Comic Funnies
by ColdFusion180
Summary: Another fun discussion among the Acolytes with both mental and physical consequences.


**Comic Funnies**

"You are so wrong!" Pyro shouted.

"Me? You're the one who doesn't know what he's talking about," Remy snapped.

"I do not think either of you are correct," Piotr said.

"What? Are you crazy?" Pyro glanced at him.

"Look who's talking," Remy quipped. "You're the one who's completely out of his mind!"

"Hey, at least I have facts backing me up! Unlike some people who make wild claims without a single bit of proof!" Pyro spat.

"It is not about proof. It is about reasoning and simple common sense," Piotr defended.

"More like **non-**sense," Remy snorted. "There is absolutely no way you are right."

"Well neither are you!" Pyro snapped.

"Wanna bet?" Remy challenged.

"Bring it on!" Pyro yelled.

"Keep it down you lunatics," Sabertooth growled as he entered the kitchen. Remy, Piotr and Pyro were sitting around the counter while occasionally munching on some snacks. "What kind of idiocy are you fools arguing about this time?"

"Nothing you'd be interested in Furball," Remy grumbled.

"I'm telling you mates, if it came to an eating contest Garfield would win hands down! No doubt about it!" Pyro declared.

"Are you nuts? Dagwood Bumstead would easily out-eat him," Remy scoffed.

"You are both wrong. Hägar the Horrible could eat more than the both of them combined," Piotr said.

"How can you say that?" Pyro protested. "This is Garfield we're talking about! Nobody can put away more food than him!"

"Oh please, Garfield is overrated," Remy waved. "Have you ever seen Garfield try to eat an ultimate Dagwood sandwich?"

"It is not about what they could eat, but how much they could eat," Piotr pointed out. "And Hägar simply has more stomach room than a housecat or a skinny office worker."

"You lunkheads are arguing about which comic strip character would win in an eating contest?" Sabertooth blinked before letting go a loud roar. "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard! You are all complete and total idiots! Besides, Sergeant Snorkel would eat the whole lot of 'em under the table."

"Who is Sergeant Snorkel?" Piotr blinked in confusion.

"Isn't he the guy who is always beating up Beetle Bailey?" Pyro scratched his head.

"The one and only," Sabertooth grinned.

"Oh come on! How can you support him?" Remy asked. "He isn't even in the same league as the others."

"What? Have you ever seen him in the chow line?" Sabertooth gave Remy a look. "That guy will eat stuff even Garfield won't touch. And that's **army** food we're talking about."

"So? Hägar would eat that. And much more," Piotr pointed out. "He considers a two pound lobster as an appetizer."

"Ha! Garfield would consider a whole tank full of lobsters as an appetizer," Pyro boasted.

"Yet he can't even manage to eat a single raisin," Sabertooth scorned. "Some eater."

"He could eat Sergeant Snorkel's weight in cat food," Pyro snapped back. "Something none of those other blokes would ever dare to do!"

"Hey, let's not limit the field to a single food, okay?" Remy suggested. "We already agreed on that after the Jughead vs. Wimpy debates."

"I still say Jughead could eat more hamburgers," Pyro grumbled.

"What are you talking about?" Sabertooth growled. "Wimpy is the greatest burger eating champion ever!"

"Hey! Jughead has youth, stamina, and a much higher metabolism," Remy snapped. "How else do you think he's able to keep so thin? He'd destroy Wimpy."

"But Wimpy has far more experience and a larger stomach," Piotr pointed out. "He knows how to pace himself and enjoy the meal."

"Yeah right. Even that Snorkel guy could eat more than him," Remy scoffed.

"You have a point," Sabertooth admitted. "But even so…WHAT AM I DOING? HOW THE HECK DID I GET DRAGGED INTO THIS STUPID CONVERSATION?"

"You were stating your opinion about Sergeant Snorkel," Piotr reminded him. "And our conversation is not stupid."

"Yes it is! You're arguing about comic strip characters for crying out loud!" Sabertooth shouted.

"So? Don't you like comic strips?" Pyro asked innocently.

"Well yeah, but…AAARRRGGGHHH! I'M DOING IT AGAIN!" Sabertooth yelled.

"Come on Sabes. What's wrong about talking about comic strips?" Remy asked.

"Yeah. There are so many questions and possibilities out there," Pyro said excitedly. "Like who do you think would win in a fight: Hägar the Horrible or Prince Valiant?"

"Prince Valiant," Piotr answered. "He has been fending off Viking raids for years. Not to mention being much better trained and professional."

"I dunno _homme_. I think Hägar's strength and experience could overpower him," Remy thought. "Especially if he eats a lot of garlic beforehand."

"Oh no," Sabertooth groaned. "Not again!"

"And why do Linus from Peanuts and Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes wear the same outfits?" Pyro continued. "Do their moms shop for them at the same store?"

"Maybe there is a common mall comic strip characters all go to," Piotr suggested.

"That begs the question of who would run and build such a mall in the first place," Remy said.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Sabertooth yelled.

"And while we're on the subject," Pyro said ignoring Sabertooth's howls. "Who do you think has a better imagination: Calvin or Snoopy?"

"Hmmm, that's a hard one," Remy thought. "I think Calvin's is far more wild and unpredictable."

"But Snoopy has more alter egos," Piotr pointed out. "And is more successful in having others participate in his fantasies.

"Good point," Pyro thought. "We might just have to call that one a tie."

"I've got one," Remy grinned. "Who do you think is dumbest: Sir Rodney, Zero, Odie or Lucky Eddie?"

"I know which three **I'd** consider dumbest," Sabertooth gave the younger Acolytes a look.

"Oooh, oooh! Here's a brain burner!" Pyro chirped. "Who is the meanest, bossiest, most tyrannical despot of all time? Mr. Dithers? The King from The Wizard of Id?"

"That's easy," Remy smirked. "Mags!"

"I agree," Piotr chuckled.

"I can't stand it," Sabertooth groaned as the Acolytes laughed merrily.

"Hahahahaha!" Pyro wiped tears from his eyes. "Hey! Do you think some of the comic strips are really future depictions of others?"

"Huh?" Piotr blinked. "What do you mean?"

"Like they show what the characters will be like once they are grown-up or who the character's descendents will be after a couple hundred years," Pyro explained. "Take Sergeant Snorkel. He can probably trace his lineage back to Hägar the Horrible, who in turn can trace his ancestors back to the blokes in B.C."

"Ya know, I can kind of see it," Remy admitted.

"And that's not all," Pyro went on. "How about Ziggy? You can't tell me he doesn't bear an uncanny resemblance to an aged Charlie Brown."

"What?" Piotr blinked. "How is that possible?"

"Think about it!" Pyro insisted. "Just look at what Ziggy is like! Short, bald, buckets of bad luck, a Sabes-like old person's big nose…"

"Why do I stay here?" Sabertooth moaned. "What could possibly…wait a second, **what** was that about my nose?"

"I think you are right. Ziggy could be an older version of Charlie Brown," Piotr blinked in shock. "Or at least a close relative of his."

"That would explain a few things," Remy quipped.

"Hey, maybe some comic strip characters are mutants!" Pyro chirped.

"AAAHHHHHH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I'M OUTTA HERE!" Sabertooth screamed and ran out of the room.

"What's wrong with him?" Pyro blinked.

"Who knows?" Remy shrugged. "Who cares?"

"I do not think you are right Pyro," Piotr said. "There are no comic strip characters that seem to have mutant powers."

"Of course there are!" Pyro insisted. "Just look at Beetle Bailey! He gets beaten up all the time, but do you ever see him in the infirmary? No! He must have some kind of healing factor or something."

"Well…" Piotr began.

"And what about Grog from B.C.? You don't even have to look at him to know he's a mutant," Pyro went on. "Physically unique and with super strength."

"Pyro there are no comic strips that contain mutants," Remy sighed.

"Yes there are!" Pyro whined.

"No there are not!" Remy snapped.

"Well there should be!" Pyro pouted. "Just wait! One day there will be an entire comic strip that contains nothing but mutants!

"Oh sure," Remy drawled sarcastically. "Like that's ever gonna happen."

"And once mutants appear in one comic strip, they'll go and appear in more!" Pyro continued excitedly. "Every comic strip in the world will want to include mutants. The mutants will end up being some of the funniest characters of all time! They'll be so popular the comics strips will end up being turned into comic books! Hey, maybe we will end up being included in some of them!"

"Yeah right, like any of us could ever appear in a comic book," Remy rolled his eyes.

"It could happen!" Pyro insisted. "We already star in our own comic strip and…oops!"

"What?" Remy did a double take. "What did you just say?"

"Way to go Pyro," Piotr groaned. "I thought we agreed to keep it a secret."

"Sorry mate," Pyro gulped. "It just slipped out."

"**What** just slipped out?" Remy demanded.

"Well…uh…ya see, a while ago Colossus and I kinda went and created our own comic strip and have been posting it online," Pyro coughed nervously.

"Huh?" Remy blinked.

"It was Pyro's idea," Piotr said. "It is a joint effort. He comes up with the dialogue and I draw the panels. We…um…kind of went and based the characters on ourselves."

"You **what**?" Remy balked.

"With a few artistic liberties of course," Piotr blushed.

"We would have told you about this before, but from the way you reacted to being in my other stories we decided to keep it a secret," Pyro coughed.

"Oh no," Remy groaned. "How often do you put up new stuff?"

"Uh, whenever we're able to get around to it," Pyro whistled. "You know, once a month, once a week…"

"The comic strip is quite popular," Piotr blushed modestly. "People really seem to like it."

"Wonderful," Remy moaned. "Do I even wanna know what kind of damage you've done to my reputation **this** time?"

"It's nothing bad!" Pyro said quickly. "Your character mainly provides the snappy one-liners after Mags' character does something stupid."

"You included Magneto in your comics too?" Remy blinked.

"Oh yeah. Mr. Bucket Head himself," Pyro grinned. "Picture him as a loud mouth, overbearing, tin-plated dictator wannabe with a Jon Arbuckle level of intelligence."

"You should see how he looks in the funny helmet I have him wear," Piotr smiled.

"Well, maybe your comic strip isn't as bad as thought it would be," Remy smirked. "Wait, does anyone else know about this?"

RUMMMMMMBBBLEEE!

"COLOSSUS! PYRO!" A very angry Magneto was heard shouting in the distance. "WHERE ARE YOU TWO MANIACS? I **KNOW** YOU ARE THE ONES RESPONSIBLE FOR HAVING ME APPEAR IN THAT OUTRAGEOUS, SLANDEROUS COMIC STRIP!"

"Uh oh." Piotr and Pyro looked at each other.

"This is not good," Pyro gulped.

"**THERE YOU ARE!**" Magneto flew into the room flanked by several very large, spinning buzzsaws with a face that was both furious and plain downright scary. "YOU FOOLS ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!"

"He's seen them!" Pyro cried.

"Run!" Piotr shouted as they bolted out of the kitchen.

"GET BACK HERE YOU LUNATICS!" Magneto screamed flying after them. "I'LL **KILL** YOU FOR HOW YOU DEPICTED ME IN THOSE STUPID COMICS! AND FOR MAKING ME LOOK FAT!"

"So much for their comic strip appearing in the funnies," Remy shook his head. "Next thing you know they'll be trying to make it into a cartoon."

**********

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Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution, the comic strips: Garfield, Blondie, Hagar the Horrible, Beetle Bailey, Prince Valiant, Peanuts, Calvin and Hobbes, Wizard of Id, B.C., Ziggy, or the comics Jughead or Popeye.**


End file.
